This is gonna be a very personal entry.
After Eat and Pray it seems I have really reached the Love part.
I have found back to my Source, Love for my True Self.
Ayay I am aware I will sound like one of these new age esoteric hippie chicks going to India to find themselves. But it is true.
(By the way, I still haven't found myself, but I feel like now at least I am on a good way again and learning the tools to do so).
When I was a little child, I remember I asked my mother once (and I remember that moment clearly, it must have been like an epiphany), is this world,is this all just a dream?
I have always felt a bit outside, different than the others. Withdrawn to the silence, I loved being on my own. Problems to understand the social interactions with these other beings around me. It seemed like this world with it's strange ways was hurting my true self, it seemed like somethig was wrong. But of course we get conditioned to forget our true Self.
I never cared for the material things, like fashion, parties and boys. I wore my grandfather's old sweater, and rather read books. A typical introvert's childhood, the nerd, whatever you want to call it.
In my late teens I came across a book in my parents living room (I have still no idea how that ended up there): about yoga. I did the postures in the book and made my own little series of postures which I did every day. I realized soon how much better I felt just by doing them. I also discovered Buddhism and dove deep into the literature about it, I studied and read everything about it. But I had nobody to talk about it, I knew nobody on the same path. I tried to meditate in my room with my mother walking through even though I had tried to explain to her, I needed a quiet moment. My grandparents thought I wwas ending up in a cult, how could you trust this "Buddha" with that big belly while so many people were starving (that's really what they said! :D)
Anyways, it seems I always felt there was something.
Also later, I never really cared that much about material things. I wasn't into shopping, I stopped watching television, I was constantly searching for something, for answers. I was so depressed in my early twenties.
Slowly I found answers, by giving up everything I had, my job, my apartment, my stuff, my life in Germany, when I flew to Spain in 2010 searching for happiness.
I found happiness there, living the simple life.
Somehow over the years and some other countries I found peace in a yoga center, again in Spain. It felt like coming home, and the yoga helped me immensely.
After a few years there I felt like something was still missing, though.
I had it all - I loved my job, my apartment, the area I lived, my cats, everything. But something was missing.
So I thought I maybe needed to get those things that people say bring happiness: more money, a house, a loving partner, world travels etc. Purpose in your life.
I had my vision board with all the things I desired, all the things which I thought would bring me happiness. If only I would 5000 Euro a month. If only I would look the way I wanted to look. If only I had my dream house, my dream business, my dream man.
A world travel was also on the list, so I thought I could combine it, go traveling and try to manifest all my desires during this time. I wanted to go out there and get rich.
Well, rich did I become. But not in material things. I feel I found the Source, the Happiness Inside.
Now I know what I have to do. Now I have some tools to eventually get there.
I am still learning so much, and it is definitely not enough time here in Tiruvannamalai, but I so feel how special this place is, and I feel and hope I will come back here. Funnily enough, I made the decision to leave earlier. After only one month in India and Tiru I will fly to the United States. Which is kind of against everything I have just learned and realized. And still it feels right.
It is hard to put it all into words but I have a deep sense of inner peace now, and know the tools to work with. It is probably way easier here in Tiruvannamalai (everybody says that) so I hope I can maintain what I am learning here. But I know I will probably need to come back.
What else has happened in the meantime:
I celebrated the start into the New Year reading, in my room. I went to bed at 11 pm.
On the 1st of January was the Full Moon which means a LOT of people from everywhere come to Tiru to walk around the mountain, for about 24 hours. It is quite a special energy. I walked around the mountain early in the morning , before the big crowds, although there were already quite some people on the road. It was my second time I walked it, and this time I did it barefoot, and did my little prayers at almost every temple along the way. I did regret though I went in the morning because some people asked me to walk with them in the evening with the big crowds, and the energy was amazing, seeing all these people under the rising full moon. But I was too exhausted to walk the round again. I didn't sleep well that night though, I had a sleep paralysis which I didn't have in a while, and woke up again a couple of times. Must have been the full moon and the energy of the people.
Then there was the birthday celebrations of Ramana Maharshi at the ashram where they play music and serve free food to everybody (they serve free food every day). So we went there, got a plate of lovely food and listened to the music afterwards, it was a sweet atmosphere.
The rest of my time here I spend reading, studying, at satsangs or ashrams, meditating, a little bit of yoga, and private discourses and lectures.
So yes, in a week I willmove on to the United States, San Diego and San Francisco.