Why do I want to travel when I am living already in paradise?
Well, first of all, I think traveling is always a fantastic way to evolve. If you have the opportunity, you should travel and see the world, different places, cultures, people. I still haven't seen much of the world, and I always found I took a lot with me from my travels so far.
I also need a time out, to sort my thoughts, and I want to use my time for some new projects.
I want to make music.
Sounds cheesy but this is really a plan of my now. I have always loved singing. A lot. But I never knew if I was good at it, and I didn't play an instrument so it stayed a little private hobby singing in my own four walls.
Yes, I took some piano lessons in my early twenties but I have forgotten everything again, and I was not super talented.
But now I don't care any more. No, I am not a natural musical talent that can learn an instrument easily, but I can still learn how to play basic stuff. And this is what I have been doing over the past months. I bought a guitar and learned chords. Super hard in the beginning but now I can play some basic chords and sing along. All I need.
For my travels I bought myself a ukulele and I love it! Much easier to learn than the guitar, and as a light weight I can take it easily on my travels.
I want to spend more time on playing and learning and writing songs. Currently I am starting to write my first basic songs. They are very basic, and sometimes it feels so pathetic and frustrating to even try writing songs, when you (starting at 35 years old) know you most likely won't reach the genius of a Sting or Joni Mitchell. But that's not the point! I am doing something that I love doing, and I don't care what comes out of it (apart from that, only good things come out of the things you do that you love).
Another goal is to learn how to surf.
When I made the decision to go traveling for 6 months, it felt perfectly fine and the right thing to do to me. I asked my friend and colleague is he would be able to take care of my cats during that time, and not only did he agree, even better, he told me was about to move to a place in the countryside! My cats would finally be able to go outside again, after almost 2 years in my apartment. It felt like the best solution.
But now, that I actually moved them over a few days ago, I am absolutely heartbroken. Of course, being cats, they are not too fond of changes. Plus, they have to stay inside for the fist weeks, and the house in the countryside is lovely - if you can go outside. Inside there are only a few small windows and you cannot really look outside, so it is quite dark. Since my friend has just moved in and then had to leave to Germany for a week, it is still not very homely (I don't know but I think cats feel the difference of a nice atmosphere).
Plus - there is Paul! Paul is the cat of my friend, a huge male (castrated). Thankfully he is super chilled, and at the first meeting with my two girls, he stayed relaxed. My cats were not so cool, they were hissing and growling at him. Of course - they just moved house, from a spacious bright apartment with their momma, into a dark cave house. I felt so sorry for them!
I know (I hope) it will get better once they can go outside. They will love the freedom and the nature and catching birds and rabbits etc. Cats should be free! Even though they can catch more easily diseases, I think it's better to die as a free roaming cat than in a golden cage (same goes for humans).
But at the moment I cry every time I go there, because it just feels as if I betrayed them. They are my babies, they trust me, and I just move them somewhere else because I want to selfishly go traveling.
I feel bad and guilty. I try to tell myself I will come back and then I can take them again, but that doesn't change much. Maybe by then, they don't want to move place again. Hopefully, they will love their new home and the space they will have.
Change is inevitable. Impermanence. In some ways it is just a mirror of my own situation. I fear the upcoming changes, too. Leaving my beloved home, the things and places I know, my great life here - why exactly do I want to give this up ??
But change is inevitable. And change usually hurts. But change is good.
I can't keep myself and my cats all safe and secure for the rest of time in a little bubble. Life doesn't work like this. So it is better to face upcoming changes, face your fears, feel the fears - and do it anyway.
Right now I simply allow myself to feel the sadness and the grief. I love my cats so much, and I hope the will love their new home in the countryside. In the end we have to make the decisions for our pets, which is really, really hard at times.